Some days you just breath in
Just try to break even
Sometimes your heart’s poundin’ out of your chest
Sometimes it’s just beatin’
Some days you just forget
What all you’ve been given
Some days you just get back
And some days you’re just alive
Some days you’re livin’

One of the lessons I’ve learned from not only my cancer diagnosis but also from losing a child, is to cherish every day, live every day to it’s fullest.  I try to keep this in mind and live each day but even I forget.  It’s easy to get caught up in the every day ruts and routines and take things for granted.  I was reminded of it this morning on my drive to work when this song by Dierks Bentley came on the radio.  I was once again reminded that every day, every minute is a gift.

As I write this, I am at home sick with a stomach bug which is particularly unpleasant when I already spend an above average amount of time in the bathroom.  But that, although uncomfortable, is not what hurts me so much at the moment.  My heart is breaking because I’m missing my second grandson’s kindergarten graduation.  It’s a silly thing really but I so wanted to be there.  I was at all of the other three’s graduation and programs and I would not miss this if not absolutely necessary.  But this bug I have is most likely contagious and it would be selfish of me to chance giving it to my family.

These programs, pageants and activities are not nearly as important to the wee ones as they are to us as parents and grandparents.  But I know that it is more important and impactful for me to spend the every day moments with them.  The talks in the car after picking up Kaison from school.  The games with Carter played in the pool.  The camping trips and time spent in a deer stand with Brooklynn and Madison.

Of course it’s important to be there for the big stuff but those everyday moments, sleepy breakfasts, splashing in the pool, car rides to do errands, some of the most important conversations happen there.  So turn down the radio, put down your remote and your tablet, play silly games, live.

Living every day as if it’s your last isn’t easy.  Maybe it’s impossible because honestly, if I knew I wouldn’t live past the weekend, I wouldn’t go to work.  I wouldn’t pay that credit card bill.  I wouldn’t worry about doing the laundry or making the bed.  Sorry, Kelly, I’d leave all that for you.  We have pact.  But since we don’t know the hour of our death, we must go to work, pay the bills, do the laundry and buy the groceries.  But even in those things, we can rejoice, be thankful and appreciate what a gift we are given.

Recently I have been reminded of how much I enjoy being married to my husband and spending time with him.  Even boring, watching baseball, running errands, doing yard work and the like.  Gary has been working out of town during the week and only home on the weekends, and miss I drinking coffee together in the mornings, even though he’s not allowed to talk to me until after my first half cup.  I even miss the sound of his soft, and sometimes not so soft snoring.  I miss watching baseball together.  He’s even managed to convert me from a Rangers fan to an Astros fan.  That can probably be credited more to Jose Altuve, Alex Bregman, and George Springer than Gary Rae but he’ll claim it so whatever!

I believe if you ask someone who has lost a spouse, they will tell you it’s the simple everyday moments that they miss the most, not the expensive dinners out, the milestones like weddings, birthday celebrations, graduations.

So today I will miss watching Kaison get his kindergarten “diploma”, I have the hope that in 12 years I will be there to watch him walk across the stage to receive his high school diploma.  Cancer cannot take that hope from me. And I know that I have lived many moments with my grandkids, kids, husband and family and friends that are precious and important.

So as you go about your life, don’t forget to live.  When your favorite song comes on the radio, forget who’s watching and turn it up and sing!  Buy the shoes, take the trip and eat the cake.  You’ll never have today again.  If time is money, make sure you’re getting your money’s worth.